My House is Not a Victorian.

Well, duh! My house is a crappy ranch. I just want you to be aware that I’m aware that I don’t live here.

Victorian House

Oh, if only.

I could decorate the crap out of that house. I lurve Victorian inspired décor. Curvy legged furniture and tufted velvet… Damask wallpaper and chandeliers… Intricate moulding and millwork… None of which really makes sense in my crappy ranch.

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A Pointless Poll

If I tell you your opinion doesn’t matter to me at all, would you still want to give it to me anyway? Great! It doesn’t! Let’s take a pointless poll…

Pointless Poll Closet Curtain

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Gettin’ Jiggy Wit it.

I needed bookcases. So, in my best booming voice, I said, “LET THERE BE BOOKCASES!” And there were no bookcases. And then I remembered I do not possess the power of God so I’d have to get off my ass and build them. Hey, it was worth a shot. Sometimes I try to will the TV remote into my hand with my Jedi powers. That doesn’t work either.

Books to Heaven

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No Figs For You!

My fig tree is pissed! Here it is, mid June, and there’s not a leaf in site. You may recall me bragging about how tough my fig tree is. That post is here if you want to read it (and why wouldn’t you?), but I basically said that my tree needs no coddling from me to survive the harshness of a New York winter because she’s one tough bitch. Turns out, she’s a spiteful one too. She’s been flipping me the middle branch all spring.

No Figs For You

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My house has mold…

ing! Oh, yeah! Molding, baby! Installed. By me. Two months of talking about it and, BAM, it’s done. Just like that. In the blink of an eye. (Not a normal person’s eye blink. Maybe a coma patient’s…) How many pictures of molding can you stand to look at in one post? Let’s find out…

Molding Before Pic

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Happy Anniversary to Me!*

Three years ago today I closed on my crappy house. My, how time flies! I thought I’d write a post to chronicle just how far I’ve come since the day I signed my name 47 times and relinquished all of my money in exchange for a set of keys. (Stalling? Who said anything about stalling? This is not just a filler post to keep you interested while I get my ass in gear to make some actual progress on my crappy house. At all.)

Please join me on this trip down memory lane. (Memories… light the corners of my mind… misty water-colored memories…) Remember this?

Crappy House Before

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My couch is in North Carolina. My pilot is on Southwest.

In 2+ years of searching online for couches, using every conceivable search term in the furniture universe, I had never stumbled upon The Comfortable Couch Company.  How is that even possible? Fortunately for me, only awesome people read my blog and one of you pointed me to their (soon to be rebuilt so they won’t be so hard to stumble upon) website. I’ve been stalking them ever since. How convenient that I already had a trip planned for NC to visit my parents… Where the CCC showroom just happens to reside… Located within driving distance of my parent’s house… Of course, I went there.

CCC Outside

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I suck, but I have a plan.

I’m fully aware that, if I don’t keep you entertained, you will leave me. It’s in our contract. The one that says you will keep visiting my blog as long as I keep posting stuff about my crappy house. I know I promised you I was working on my door and base moldings, but I haven’t made much progress. The project is stuck in Deliberation. That’s the part of the process where I stare at the project extensively and contemplate doing it. I know. I suck.

Peacock Says What

It’s possible for a project to be caught up in Deliberation for weeks. Or even months. I know this delay is grounds for dissolution of contract. I realize it’s been almost two weeks since my last post! So, if my lazy ass hasn’t gotten any work done (and I can confirm, it has not), then the least I can do is offer you this bribe incentive to stick around. I give to you my design plan. Continue reading

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Reality Check.

When Apartment Therapy asked if they could feature my brick wall on their site (see it here), I was so happy! If I didn’t think I’d break my face, I would have done a cartwheel. 

Brick Wall After

Their only request: could I supply a more “finished” after pic than this one from Brick Love, Part II?

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I Crown Thee, Crappy House

My hallway has a slight funhouse quality to it, minus all the warped mirrors and scary clowns. In other words, it’s got a lot of odd angles. Could I have installed crown molding by myself?

Before Crown

Hell, yes! I totally could have. But why? I have nothing to prove. I installed crown molding in my dressing room all by myself and it came out awesome. It only took me 9 hoursContinue reading

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Because I Care*

My bathroom was the first room that was completed in my crappy house. I lurve my bathroom. It’s so pretty! I really try my best to keep it that way.

Bathroom Vanity

One thing that helps is the kind of toothpaste I use. Yep, I’m writing a post about toothpaste. No, I haven’t run out of things to write about. This is very important, vital information I’m sharing with you. I’m serious.

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Brick Love, Part II

All in all, it’s just another brick in the wall. And another. And another. And… Yeah. Lots more of that.

BrickLove2

I wrote Brick Love, Part I so long ago that you probably don’t even care about Brick Love, Part II, but could you please just try to care anyway? Because the brick wall that I installed all by myself came out awesome and I’m very excited to show it to you. And there’s an excellent reason why it took so long… Continue reading

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