Once Upon a Curtain

A long time ago, in a crappy house far, far away, there lived a pale princess named… um… Spackle. Yeah, OK. Princess Spackle. She had to rescue herself from… well, from herself because she’s a dumbass who tore her whole house apart without knowing how to put it all back together again. Princess Spackle may have been naive, but she learned many skills and eventually became a DIY Ninja.

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Crappy Shelves

I apologize in advance for this post. I know you’ve waited patiently for a whole month for me to write something new and I’m telling you now, this post won’t feel like it was worth the wait. At all. This is the crappiest project I have done so far.  I totally forgive you if you want to just skip it.

Bookcase Again

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By the Yard

Who does a little bit of yard work on their crappy house and then expects strangers on the internet to care about it? Well, obviously, I do because here I am!

Hedges Before

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It’s a Gray Area

There’s nothing extraordinary about this post. All I did was paint. It’s not that hard. You can do it. You probably have done it. Big freaking deal. But my living room is finally looking like an actual room in a real house and not a pit of despair, so I think that’s definitely worth writing about. In order to maximize the drama, I’m going to start by showing you this before photo.

Disgusting Living Room

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My House is Not a Victorian.

Well, duh! My house is a crappy ranch. I just want you to be aware that I’m aware that I don’t live here.

Victorian House

Oh, if only.

I could decorate the crap out of that house. I lurve Victorian inspired décor. Curvy legged furniture and tufted velvet… Damask wallpaper and chandeliers… Intricate moulding and millwork… None of which really makes sense in my crappy ranch.

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A Pointless Poll

If I tell you your opinion doesn’t matter to me at all, would you still want to give it to me anyway? Great! It doesn’t! Let’s take a pointless poll…

Pointless Poll Closet Curtain

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Gettin’ Jiggy Wit it.

I needed bookcases. So, in my best booming voice, I said, “LET THERE BE BOOKCASES!” And there were no bookcases. And then I remembered I do not possess the power of God so I’d have to get off my ass and build them. Hey, it was worth a shot. Sometimes I try to will the TV remote into my hand with my Jedi powers. That doesn’t work either.

Books to Heaven

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No Figs For You!

My fig tree is pissed! Here it is, mid June, and there’s not a leaf in site. You may recall me bragging about how tough my fig tree is. That post is here if you want to read it (and why wouldn’t you?), but I basically said that my tree needs no coddling from me to survive the harshness of a New York winter because she’s one tough bitch. Turns out, she’s a spiteful one too. She’s been flipping me the middle branch all spring.

No Figs For You

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My house has mold…

ing! Oh, yeah! Molding, baby! Installed. By me. Two months of talking about it and, BAM, it’s done. Just like that. In the blink of an eye. (Not a normal person’s eye blink. Maybe a coma patient’s…) How many pictures of molding can you stand to look at in one post? Let’s find out…

Molding Before Pic

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Happy Anniversary to Me!*

Three years ago today I closed on my crappy house. My, how time flies! I thought I’d write a post to chronicle just how far I’ve come since the day I signed my name 47 times and relinquished all of my money in exchange for a set of keys. (Stalling? Who said anything about stalling? This is not just a filler post to keep you interested while I get my ass in gear to make some actual progress on my crappy house. At all.)

Please join me on this trip down memory lane. (Memories… light the corners of my mind… misty water-colored memories…) Remember this?

Crappy House Before

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My couch is in North Carolina. My pilot is on Southwest.

In 2+ years of searching online for couches, using every conceivable search term in the furniture universe, I had never stumbled upon The Comfortable Couch Company.  How is that even possible? Fortunately for me, only awesome people read my blog and one of you pointed me to their (soon to be rebuilt so they won’t be so hard to stumble upon) website. I’ve been stalking them ever since. How convenient that I already had a trip planned for NC to visit my parents… Where the CCC showroom just happens to reside… Located within driving distance of my parent’s house… Of course, I went there.

CCC Outside

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I suck, but I have a plan.

I’m fully aware that, if I don’t keep you entertained, you will leave me. It’s in our contract. The one that says you will keep visiting my blog as long as I keep posting stuff about my crappy house. I know I promised you I was working on my door and base moldings, but I haven’t made much progress. The project is stuck in Deliberation. That’s the part of the process where I stare at the project extensively and contemplate doing it. I know. I suck.

Peacock Says What

It’s possible for a project to be caught up in Deliberation for weeks. Or even months. I know this delay is grounds for dissolution of contract. I realize it’s been almost two weeks since my last post! So, if my lazy ass hasn’t gotten any work done (and I can confirm, it has not), then the least I can do is offer you this bribe incentive to stick around. I give to you my design plan. Continue reading

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